


Skydive From Walls We Built

by PrinceForestFox, rakkel



Series: Rust and Stardust [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flirting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-18 19:32:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16523285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceForestFox/pseuds/PrinceForestFox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rakkel/pseuds/rakkel
Summary: Taako pretends to be okay. Magnus gets to the root of the problem.





	Skydive From Walls We Built

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Please note the tags for this one, and consider this your trigger warning. Things get bad but then they get better, I promise!

Magnus and Taako arrived back at Magnus’ house with elven takeout clutched in their hands. The walk home had been quiet, with frequent glances from Magnus to let Taako know how worried he really was. Taako supposed it wasn’t fair to drag Magnus into this mess in the first place; he’d been living happily in Raven’s Roost until Kravitz dropped a broken elf at his doorstep. Still, Taako hated to admit that he was enjoying being with Magnus, despite everything. 

The two of them brought their respective meals to the sofa, not in the mood to bother with the formality of a dinner table. Taako nestled into a corner of the plush sofa and turned toward the television. The connection was weak at best, pictures and video coming through inconsistently and with a fair amount of static. Taako focused on eating, hoping to avoid the inevitable. 

Magnus watched the TV for a short while, absent-minded as he shoveled food into his mouth. Every time he tried to start a conversation, Taako changed the subject to something meaningless, and then he rambled about it for ten minutes until they both fell back into silence. Magnus _wanted_ to talk, is the thing. Taako was here, in Raven’s Roost, to _talk_ , because Magnus might be the only one that understood. 

Long after they finished dinner, and the television was droning in the background, Taako finally stood up to dismiss himself. It had been a long day, in his defense, filled with travel and catching up and tours and a panic attack. He could sleep for a week. He might if it got him out of talking. 

He gave Magnus an awkward excuse and dipped out, tired of the energy in that room.  
He’d be fine in the morning. 

Magnus watched Taako disappear into the guest bedroom. With him here, the air had felt pregnant with unsaid words and unacted on desires to sort through this mess together. Without him, the air was stale, sour. Magnus sighed, picking up the trash from their take-out dinner and discarding it on his way to his own bedroom. He wouldn’t get through to Taako tonight, so he may as well try to get a little sleep and start fresh in the morning. 

Hours after going to bed, two grown men lied awake in separate beds. Taako tossed back and forth, unable to find comfort in this foreign bed, foreign city, alone. Across the hall, Magnus Burnsides was in a similar state of unrest. His mind refused to settle from the anguish he felt, words he should have said. What if Taako was hurting right now, in this house, and Magnus was none the wiser? Was there something Magnus could be doing that would help?

Eventually, the two managed to drift into a poor imitation of sleep. The morning was relentless in its onslaught of the sky, and soon (way too soon) the sky was too bright to ignore. Magnus rose first. He took a quick shower, an attempt to wash the intrusive thoughts and lingering (lack of) sleep from his mind and body, and then he left. It was early enough that Taako (assuming he hadn’t changed his sleeping habits) wouldn’t be awake for another few hours. Magnus rushed still, wanting to check on Hammer and Tails and return before his guest arose. 

Magnus was not in the house when Taako dragged himself out of bed. He was tired enough to let himself be soft, vulnerable for a few brief moments, and sleepy enough to let his reservations be cast aside. He stood, dragging the blanket with him, and padded on socked feet to Magnus’s bedroom. The elf knocked once before pushing the door open, an old familiarity in his actions. 

Magnus’s room was empty. The shower floor was still wet, so he must have let not too long ago. Without needing to search the house, Taako knew Magnus wasn’t there. The knowledge sat heavy in his chest. He absently wondered if he could do something, anything, to claw it out. To get all the _bad_ from the inside and dig it out, wrap it up in a garbage bag and call it a day. 

His sleepy vulnerability was long gone, replaced with a cold numbness. The elf stared for a long, unblinking moment at Magnus’s bed as he considered crawling into it. He could wait for Magnus to find him there. Instead, Taako sank to the floor right where he stood, just seconds before. He’s still staring at the bed, couldn’t make his eyes focus long enough to look anywhere else. 

Magnus was gone. Taako wanted so desperately to be surprised, to believe that _Magnus_ of all people would never abandon him. He wasn’t though. Because it doesn’t matter if it’s Magnus or Kravitz or Lucretia or Lup. Everyone left him, no matter how much they pretended to love him. 

It’s almost laughable, Taako thought, the extreme lengths people go through to lie to him as convincingly as possible. Why? They’re good people, for the most part, so why try _so fucking hard_ to make Taako believe the lie? What could they possibly have to gain from it? Lucretia was one thing, at least she made fucking sense. Lie, deceive, all for the greater good, blah blah blah. He understood it even if he couldn’t forgive her. Lucretia had to make Taako believe she loved him, otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to study him so closely, predict him so accurately, _break_ him so completely. He’d been Lucretia’s fucking lab rat.

He didn’t know what Kravitz had to gain. If the reaper had wanted him dead, like Sazed, then he would have just reaped him when he got the chance. Not this, whatever it was. The dates and the living together and the simple intimacy that they share. This elaborate scheme of which Taako can’t decipher the endgame. Taako’s heart breaks a little more when he realizes that despite the grand long con Kravitz had to be pulling, Taako _does_ love him. Maybe if he could get his act together, he could trick Kravitz into falling in love right back. His heart twinged painfully as, in the span of a moment, he allowed himself to hope for more and acknowledge that that kind of love isn’t for people like him. Maybe Kravitz had a weird caretaker complex, and once he thinks he’s “fixed” Taako, he’ll go. Or, more likely, he’ll decide Taako is irreparable. He’ll give up on the elf, just like everyone else had. 

He wanted to sob. Why did everyone have to leave him? He may not be the nicest guy in the world, but he was a fucking hero of the entire planar system. Didn’t that count for anything? Was it really too much to ask of Istus to give him ONE person that didn’t leave him more broken than they found him? 

The tears don’t come though. He vaguely realized that he’s still staring at Magnus’s bed. If he sat there long enough, maybe it’d stop. Maybe he finally would be able to escape the tsunami of thoughts that constantly attack his skull. Maybe he could finally fucking sleep. 

Magnus hadn’t meant to be gone for so long. Overnight, two of the dogs had gotten into a fight and he’d been stuck trying to patch them up. He’d ended up having to give one a bath in order to wash away some blood. Finally, though, he was on his way back to his cottage. On the way, he stopped to pick up coffee and muffins to surprise Taako with when he woke up. Taako loved complaining about cheap food. Magnus smiled to himself, hoping that the complaining put Taako in decent spirits today. 

He set the pastries and coffees on the kitchen counter and turned toward his bedroom. It didn’t look like Taako was up yet, and Magnus had dog blood on his shirt, so he wanted to wash up before waking the elf. He’s whistling to himself as he turned the corner into his bedroom, but he stops short when he realized that Taako was 1. awake 2. there, in Magnus’s bedroom, and 3. staring at Magnus’s bed with a distant vagueness in his eyes. 

Immediately, Magnus was terrified. He dropped to his knees beside Taako, hands hovering over his skin but afraid to touch him. “Taako, are you okay?” No response. Magnus’s heart was already racing. He considered calling for help, or carrying Taako to the hospital when the elf blinked a couple of times and turned his head toward the human. 

“Mags,” he said, but it’s off. Wrong. He slurred his ‘s’ just a moment too long, and he’s blinking too much, and his eyes still seemed unfocused. 

“T, you gotta talk to me, please. How can I help?” Magnus still wasn’t touching him. 

Taako felt like he was dreaming. He wasn’t sure how long he had been there, or if he was there at all, until Magnus came rushing in trying to fix him. Again. 

Every movement felt too slow, like his body wasn’t connected to his brain. He tried to give Magnus his signature grin, but it felt wrong. Taako absently wondered if his dumb eyes would ever be able to focus on something. Maybe he needed glasses. Then he’d match Barry, and maybe his sister would love him more. 

Anothing twinging ache pulsed from Taako’s heart. It didn’t matter now. Right now he had to deal with Magnus, who was standing now instead of hovering over him. He was saying something. 

“...na carry you to bed, okay? Taako, do you understand? I’m gonna touch you, okay, it’s gonna be fine.” He stopped talking to bend down and scoop the elf into his arms. A younger, healthier Taako would have swooned and flirted the entire time. This Taako, however, curled in on himself. He was leaning on Magnus, though, which was a good sign. 

He was aware of himself enough to know that he should definitely say something, do something to let Magnus know he was fine. He was always fine. He just didn’t sleep much, and he was tired, that’s all. Magnus’s arms were warm and safe around him. He just needed some rest, and he’d be good as new. 

Magnus carefully lowered Taako into his bed. The elf rolled away from Magnus, curling into a ball just under the blanket. Magnus sat on the edge of the mattress, worry radiating off him like waves. The two of them sat in awkward silence for a long moment. Finally, Magnus cleared his throat. “Would you like some water?” Taako hummed softly in response, so Magnus stood and went to the kitchen to retrieve a water. 

“Hey, I got you a coffee and a muffin while I was out, I’m just going to set it on the table, okay?” He set the water, the coffee and the muffin down beside the bed, then took his place back at the edge of the mattress. “Taako, can you turn toward me?” The elf groaned a little and snuggled into the pillow, staying where he was. Magnus sighed. 

“I’m sorry I was gone for so long. I went to check on the dogs, and I was supposed to be here before you got up. I brought you breakfast. Taako,” Magnus pleaded, reaching out to touch the elf. His large hand stroked over Taako’s arm soothingly. “If this is my fault, Taako, I am so sorry. I want to help.”

Taako stared at the wall. Magnus’s hand was warm and soothing on his arm, and for a brief moment, Taako believed him. It would be easier to buy into the story, convince himself that he wasn’t as disposable as he really was. Magnus was too good for him. He deserved more than Taako breaking down in his bedroom and then refusing to talk about it. He deserved so much more. 

After a few more minutes of silence, Taako yawned. He was so tired. Maybe if he just went to sleep, this would pass. So with that in mind, he closed his eyes and let himself sleep. Magnus sat with him for a while longer, wishing he knew of some way to start the conversation they needed so badly to have. 

Eventually, Magnus tucked Taako in and walked out of his room. They would absolutely have to talk about this soon, but for now, Taako needed to sleep. The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Taako woke a couple times to piss or eat something, but he was always asleep again within the hour. Magnus slept a little, bored with all his free time. He also visited Hammer and Tails once or twice. He had an idea he needed to workshop. 

After several hours, Magnus eventually went to bed as well. This whole vacation wasn’t going as planned. Taako was supposed to be talking it out, Magnus was supposed to be able to relate. And yet, here they were, two days in without any progress. Magnus rolled over in his bed, settling in to sleep with the determination that tomorrow would be better. 

Magnus woke up to the smell of bacon. He clamored out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants before making his way out into the kitchen. Taako was standing in front of the stove. He had a Mage Hand pouring eggs into a pan while he was busy flipping the bacon. Magnus leaned on the door frame to watch him for a minute. 

Taako had, at some point, conjured a giant chefs hat to sit atop his head. His apron was covered with flour-white handprints. For a moment, he looked like the Taako Magnus remembered. Back on the Starblaster, Taako had once made it a game to make his hat just slightly bigger every few days for the entire year. The process had been slow enough that nobody had really noticed until it was massively, comically large. Taako wore the happiest shit-eating grin when everyone had noticed, the heavy hat sitting tilted on his head. 

Magnus smiled to himself at the memory. He’d do anything to get _that_ Taako back, his Taako. 

“You just gonna watch the show, big guy, or are you hungry?” Taako was grinning at Magnus like  
he’d caught him doing something wrong. The human had the decency to blush as he pushed himself off the wall and walked into the kitchen. 

“I didn’t expect to see you cooking. Do you want me to set the table?” He was already grabbing silverware and dishes. 

‘Nah, I thought maybe we could eat in the living room? Maybe watch a movie or something?” Taako had turned back to his food, making sure nothing overcooked.

Magnus nodded. “Sure, that sounds good. It smells awesome, T.”

Taako snorted, ignoring the way his heart fluttered at the familiar way Magnus addressed him. “No fucking shit, my dude. Your boy here has only gotten better at cooking throughout the years.” He pulled all the food off the stove at once. “Okay, eat up! Breakfast is served.” 

The two of them sat on the sofa with plates piled high with eggs and bacon and pancakes. They watched a movie and stuffed their faces, both of them talking over each other to make jokes at the other’s expense. It felt _normal_ , despite the years of not-normal between them. 

Magnus couldn’t remember what he’d said, but Taako was leaning on his arm and laughing so hard he was snorting. Magnus’s hand stroked through Taako’s hair. He wanted so badly to leave things like this, pretending they’re okay. But underneath the exterior, the tension remained. 

They stayed like that for the better part of the day. By the time the movie had ended, and the second one ended, Taako was laying on Magnus, head on the human’s chest. “Do you want to go check on the dogs with me?” 

“Nope,” Taako said breezily. “Wanna stay right here, big guy. Especially if it keeps you from putting a shirt on.” He turned his head so that Magnus could see the full force of his grin. He felt 20 again, flirting just for the sake of flirting. 

“Then I guess we’re staying here,” Magnus replied easily. The dogs would be fine for tonight. 

Sometime later, Taako cooked dinner for the two of them. They’d made something of a nest on the sofa, where the air was stale with the stagnant energy they’d created. As the night grew longer, Taako’s breathing grew slower, and before long the elf was asleep on the human’s chest. 

Magnus stood and carried him to bed. Taako woke up when Magnus lifted him, and he gave the human a cocky smile, wagging his eyebrows. “Taking me to bed so soon, huh big guy?” 

Magnus rolled his eyes and set him down on his bed. Taako rolled over to tuck himself into the blanket. “You could keep me warm, you know,” he was saying as Magnus sat on the bed. Magnus smiled softly. 

“I don’t think Kravitz would take too well to that, hmm?” He paused. “Taako… Are we going to, uh? Discuss this?”

The elf’s body stiffened. Without turning back toward Magnus, Taako answered quietly. “You couldn’t let us have one fucking day, could you, Mags?” With that, the conversation was over. Taako closed his eyes and willed Magnus away so he could sleep again. 

Taako lied in bed far longer than he should, and he knew it. His body felt too heavy, he’s too tired, too slow. He missed Kravitz. Wished he woke up to tender kisses and skin touching his. Eventually, he did get himself out of bed, though, with the grudging determination that he only had to fake this happy bullshit for a couple more days, then he can go home and back to normal. He might sleep for a year, but normal. 

Magnus was folding blankets when Taako padded on socked feet out of his bedroom, removing the evidence of their previous day. Once the pillows were fluffed, nobody would be able to guess that they’d spent the day cuddling on the couch in a blanket fort. He gave Magnus a half-hearted smiled as he padded past him, snagging a granola bar from the kitchen. He was too tired to cook today. 

Magnus, of course, seemed to pick up on his mood. “We can order delivery,” he offered with an easy grin. Everything about Magnus was easy: his joy, his smile, his very nature. Magnus was easy to befriend, easy to love, easy to remember. 

Taako shook his head, holding up his makeshift breakfast. “Got it taken care of.”

“How are you feeling today, T?” His tone was still light, casual. He was still focused on folding the blanket in front of him. 

“Everything’s dandy in Taako town, my man. How is Magnus feeling today?” It was an obvious deflection, and Taako knew it. He knew his own tells as well as everyone else, but he couldn’t stop himself from reverting to third person when talking about himself. 

Magnus looked up over his shoulder at Taako and flashed a bright smile. “I’m great! Is there anything you want to do this morning? I have to go back to work around noon today, but maybe we can do something fun before that?” 

Taako’s heart started racing at the prospect of Magnus going back to work today. Be cool. It’s fine, he’s fine. Taako shook his head. “Nah, man. Maybe gonna take a shower.”

Magnus set down the blanket and approached the elf. “You sure you're okay? If you want to talk…” 

“Yeah, I’m actually _super_ good on that, my man.”

“You know I was there too. Taako, I’d underst-”

“This isn’t happening. Go to work, Magnus. I’m not here for a fucking therapy sesh.” The elf put both his hands on Magnus’s chest and pushed him away. “I don’t need your godsdamn sympathy.” Taako pushed off Magnus and sat heavy on the sofa, stubborn and furious. He shouldn’t have to lock himself in his room just because Magnus was being a jackass. No, he’d sit right the fuck here. 

Magnus felt like he’d been burned in the shape of two handprints on his chest. Taako had literally, physically pushed him away. He’d pushed him. The fighter felt tears prickle in his eyes. Taako had been his best friend for over a century. They’d been together through every situation imaginable, a lifetime, in Magnus’s case. And here he was, in his own house, unable to help someone he loved so dearly. Taako was unwilling to be helped. 

With a sniffle and a palm wiping away evidence from his eyes, Magnus resumed his task of tidying up his house. Taako wouldn’t talk now, that much he knew. 

They stayed like that, in that strange angry silence until Magnus had to leave for work. “Are you going to be okay? You’re more than welcome to come with me, Taak.” Taako didn’t respond. He just flicked his wrist toward the door, and that was that. “I’ll be home in just a couple hours, okay? We can go out tonight for dinner, wherever you want.” With that, the door closed behind him and Magnus was gone. 

Now safe from prying eyes, Taako let his anger bleed out of his stiff shoulders. He melted into a frustrated puddle on the sofa. Why did he always do this? Magnus was trying to _help_. That’s the whole damn reason Taako was even in Raven’s Roost, because Magnus out of _everyone_ would fucking understand. Part of Taako even recognized the truth in it. If anyone would get how he was feeling, it’d be the fighter. 

Taako had pushed him. His eyes prickled with frustrated tears as he remembered what he’d done, followed by a paralyzing flash of fear. He’d shoved the fighter away from him! Why the fuck would Magnus allow him to stay here after a display like that? 

Magnus was going to kick him to the curb, that was inevitable. The realization caused his heart to lurch in his chest painfully, making him gasp. He felt like he could puke. Taako realized, at that moment, that he didn’t want Magnus to give up on him too. 

Kravitz had already kicked him out. Taako would probably go home to find all his things packed, a note from the reaper saying “I can’t do this anymore.” and then Kravitz would be another gaping hole in Taako’s heart. 

Taako was familiar with this, at least. Kravitz wouldn’t stay to talk in person. He’d leave a short note with never enough detail, and then disappear from his life and leave him _broken_ , incomplete, devastated, just like-

Lup. That’s what it always came back to, right? His own fucking twin left him, abandoned him to fend for himself. A note with nothing but an empty promise. Not even addressed to him, but left for him and Barry to share. A fragment of her. 

Taako’s gut wrenched again as the guilt flooded his senses. He would never know what he did, but somehow he had pushed his twin so far away that he lost her for a decade. And while she was gone, he’d gone and fucked up so bad that they weren’t even twins anymore. Didn’t even look alike anymore. 

Lup was so strong. She was this burning fierceness that demanded to be recognized. Taako was weak, not just in comparison to her but to everyone. Wonderland had weakened him on top of everything it took. They hardly even talked anymore, which Lup blamed on work, but let’s be honest here, what the fuck would she have to say to Taako other than telling him what a disappointment he was?

So, Lup’s all but left him. Kravitz is probably already gone. He pushed Magnus away himself. And the rest of the IPRE team was loyal to Lucretia, who fucked Taako’s life up beyond repair. Choosing her felt like a personal betrayal from each and every single one of them. He knew even Magnus forgave Lucretia for what she’d done. Taako was alone in his hatred. 

At some point, he’d slumped into the sofa cushions. He was vaguely aware of sticky tears on his cheeks. He’d do anything for someone, _anyone_ to just stay instead of leaving him. He’d thought he found that in the IPRE, and yet. Here he was, alone and broken.

Taako tried to make himself focus, to sit up and stop crying. He couldn’t see straight anymore, which was fine since he was staring into the sofa cushion. His limbs felt far too weak to move. His senses dulled, syrupy, until he was unaware of his surroundings or time passing around him. 

Magnus came home some time later, ready to apologize for pushing Taako to talk when he so obviously didn’t want to. The sun was low in the sky when he made it back. The human entered the house, hoping Taako would forgive him and they could go get dinner. However, as he walked into the living room, he instantly recognized that something was very, very wrong. 

Taako was laying on the sofa. He was taking up about two-thirds of the space, curled in a ball and lying on his side. His face was tear-streaked, but he wasn’t moving. His eyes were open, staring blankly at the space in front of him.

“Taako?” Magnus knelt down to be eye level with the elf. “Taako, hey, I’m here now. I’m so sorry, T, it’s okay.” 

The elf didn’t respond. Didn’t blink, didn’t move. 

“Taako?” Magnus reached forward to shake his shoulder a little. No response. “Taako, look at me!” Mangus’s heart was pounding now, unsure of what to do if Taako remained unresponsive. He tried shaking his shoulder again. Nothing. 

Magnus stood up and retrieved his stone of Far Speech from his coat pocket. His heart was pounding, but he didn’t know what else to do. He had to call someone. Kravitz had likely seen him like this before, would know how to help. Kravitz would also probably come to get Taako, before Magnus could get him to talk. It’d defeat the entire purpose. Lup, on the other hand, had also probably seen this but wouldn’t show up to take Taako away from him. 

His fingers were dialing her frequency before he’d made a conscious decision. 

“MAGNUS!” Lup answered loudly, making the human jump.

He’d smile if he wasn’t so freaked out. “Hey, Lup. Listen, Taako is here visiting and I left for a few hours and now he’s not doing good. I think he dissociated while I was gone, but he’s unresponsive. What do I do? Lup, I can’t get him to respond.” 

If she was taken aback by his sudden outpour of information, she didn’t let it show. “Fuck. I didn’t know he was still doing that.” She sighed heavily. “Um, when we were kids, I either waited it out, or got him somewhere warm. If you can draw a bath, or something like that, and get him into it, it’ll help him come out of it. I’d maybe have a hot drink or something ready for him. Maybe water.”

Magnus was already moving. “Thanks, Lup,” he called out, then ended the call. He drew the bath, then scooped the elf into his arms. Magnus carefully dropped the elf into the water, soaking through his clothes. 

Almost immediately, Taako stirred. He blinked a couple times, then groaned as his head started aching. Magnus filled a glass with water, then sat on the counter. “T? You with me?”

Taako blinked, then looked up at Magnus. When had he gotten here? And how did Taako end up in the water? Magnus was holding out a glass of water, so Taako took it and drank, trying to come up with something to say. Finally, he set the glass down.”Help me outta here.” 

Magnus lifted him from the water, kicking on the drain as he did so. “Here’s a towel. I’ll go get you a change of clothes, okay?”

When he came back, Taako had toweled himself dry and had his hair pulled up on his head. Magnus stood outside the door as the elf changed clothes, before finally re-joining him. Magnus was trying to be supportive and helpful, but he was still a little freaked out. 

“You okay?” The two of them sat on the sofa again, this time further apart. When the elf didn’t answer, he pressed on. “Taako, what happened?”

“Why did you put me in the bath?” Taako asked instead of answering. 

Magnus rubbed the back of his neck. “It was Lup’s idea. You were unresponsive, so I called her for help.”

Taako’s eyes widened. “You did what?!” Fuck, _fuck_ , this couldn’t be happening. Lup couldn’t know what a mess he was, she was going to finally give up on him for real, and he couldn’t take that, wouldn’t live through that kind of rejection. 

“Taako, it’s fine. We just want to help. I just wanted to help.” His voice sounds desperate, pleading with Taako to understand. 

Taako could feel the edges of a panic attack creeping in on him. He was so fucking _tired_ , he didn’t want this. More than anything, he didn’t want this. Taako felt tears prickling at his eyes again. “You made it worse,” Taako mumbled, too tired to pretend anymore. 

Magnus’s heart twinged as he took in the broken man before him. “Taako, I didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“Lup’s gonna leave me,” Taako muttered. Even as he said the words, his heart started racing. As much as his heart ached with the distance between him and Lup, he knew deep down that she really was still there for him. But if she found out how broken he was, how he wasn’t able to function by himself, she would surely abandon him. He wasn’t worth the effort, she would surely recognize that. 

“Lup would never leave you, Taako, you must know that.” Magnus said gently.

“You don’t get it, Magnus. Nobody fucking gets it!” Taako sat up a little straighter, anger pulsing through his veins. “Krav sent me here because he thought you would get it, but you still fucking don’t.” 

Magnus felt his own pulse of irritation. “Then tell me, T! I’ve been trying all damn week to get you to open up about your issues and you’ve been the one to shut me down each and every time. I can’t understand if you don’t tell me, Taako.”

A beat of silence, in which Magnus fears he went too far, but then Taako deflates. Magnus had a point. “Yeah, okay. Fine. You sure you want in on this shitshow?” He side-eyed Magnus and lifted his brow, giving him an out. Magnus only nodded patiently. Taako sighed heavily and paused again. “Fuck it.”

“I’m here, T. I’ll still be here when you finish.” 

“You say that, but that’s the whole shit, right? People say they’re going to stay, that they give a shit about me, but they always fucking leave. Do you know what that’s like, Magnus? My own _twin_ said she’d be by my side forever, and then she left me for _twelve years!_ Twelve years where I didn’t know who I was or what I could do, twelve years when I didn’t even know I had a twin to miss!” Tears were welling up in his eyes now, but he was on a roll. Magnus watched and listened patiently.

“Imagine, if you will, for a second, Mags, that you build a family with a crew of people for an _entire goddamn century,_ right? You with me? So you’re this tight-knit crew, right, and then? Then one of the _SIX_ people in the entire planar system _TAKES EVERYTHING FROM ME!_ ” Taako was openly sobbing now, the words coming out choppy and broken. Magnus moved a little closer and wrapped his arm around the shaking elf. 

“Lu-Lucretia took everything! Every memory, every relationship, everything that has ever meant anything to me, and she just- just took it! Took it all! Magnus, I was alone! I didn’t have Lup, or-or you or Merle or Barry or Dav or Creesh. I had nobody. A fucking cooking show,” he murmured to himself. He was so lost in himself that he hardly realized that he was still talking, didn’t notice how he was leaning on Magnus’s shoulder now, didn’t notice how Magnus was stroking his hair. 

“She left me alone with a shitty cooking show. She gave me the limelight and a partner, a boyfriend who hit me and yelled at me and _poisoned forty people trying to kill me._ Then I didn’t even have that! I didn’t have a boyfriend or a show, nobody knew me and I didn’t know enough magic to save my fucking life. I thought I’d killed them!” His voice went shrieky, frantic again as he relived the memory aloud. “I served them their deaths! I wore Disguise magic every day for years until I met you again. Adventuring, like I knew what the hell I was doing. Twelve years alone, Magnus.” 

The tears had stopped now, dry streaks staining his cheeks. For a few moments, things were quiet. Then the elf mumbled into Magnus’s shoulder, “I just wish I could have stayed dead, just one of those times, you know? I don’t want to die again, but I wish I didn’t have to do this.”

“May I speak?” Magnus asked, his voice soft. Taako nodded silently on his shoulder, so Magnus continued. “Lucretia gave me a better lot in life than she gave you. I won’t deny that. She gave me a home, and a wife. A family and a job. And while I’m grateful, because she gave me Julia, I can’t forgive her for what she did, either. I spent a hundred years on a ship with you and her and the crew. I trusted the six of you with every fiber of my being. Lucretia betrayed me, too, Taako. She threw me in the middle of a revolution and a lot of people, good people died because of it. My wife died. A whole town died. And then I was alone, too. I can’t say that my path has been as rough as yours, but if anyone had a chance of understanding the shit you went through, it’s me. I’m the only other one of the seven of us who got dropped into a murder scene. I get it. I know what it’s like to hand people their deaths. To bring death to a peaceful town.” 

Taako’s body was sagging with exhaustion. “I just wish that somebody would stay, just once. Nobody ever loves me for real.”

Magnus’s heart twinged at the elf’s words. He feels tears in his own eyes at the concept that no one has ever really made this elf feel loved like he deserved to be. He tilted his chin down to get a better look at his friend. Taako’s eyes were puffy red from where he’d been crying. His lashes were dark and wet, long where they fanned out over his darkened lids. A light dusting of freckles coated his high, elven cheekbones. 

For one hundred and twelve years, this man had been Magnus’s best friend. He’d seen him die, died for him, died because of him. Magnus had always been there for him when Taako needed him, at least as much as he was able. He was able now, and without consciously making a decision, Magnus was tilting Taako’s chin up with the pad of his finger and then he was kissing him. 

The moment their lips touched, Taako let out another choked sob. Wet tears filled the space between their cheeks, but the elf didn’t pull away. Instead, his hand came to clutch the back of Magnus’s head and hold their heads together. They stayed like that for a few moments, just tenderly pressing their lips together as they cried. 

“I love you, Taako. Forever, I’ve loved you. On a hundred different planets, I’ve loved you. And I stayed, I’m staying. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Taako laughed breathlessly. “Yeah. I guess so.” 

There wasn’t any need for further discussion tonight. It was very late by now, and the men had had very emotionally draining days. Taako sagged down against Magnus’s chest, idly tracing shapes into his chest. 

They stayed up for a while after that, reminiscing memories they shared on the Starblaster and sharing soft kisses into the early hours of the morning. Taako fell asleep, lying half on Magnus’s chest, and Magnus allowed himself a soft smile. The elf still needed help, but Magnus had a few ideas. For tonight, things were okay, and that’s a fine place to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with us through this one. I'm sorry it took us so long to update. Writing mental health issues takes a toll on us, and it was just... a lot. But anyway, the next installment will be much lighter! 
> 
> Title is from Fumes by EDEN
> 
> As always, massive thank you to my co-creator Alex for inspiring me and encouraging me along the way. This fic wouldn't exist without you.
> 
> @therakkel on twitter  
> @drowninginships on tumblr


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